The Flying Monkey Problem (And What to Do About It)
When It's Not Just the Narcissist You're Dealing With
You went no contact. You blocked the number. You thought it was over. And then your aunt calls to tell you that your ex is "really struggling" and "maybe you should reach out."
Welcome to the flying monkey show.
What Are Flying Monkeys?
Named after the Wicked Witch's minions in The Wizard of Oz, flying monkeys are the people the narcissist recruits — knowingly or unknowingly — to do their bidding.
They spy for the narcissist. They deliver messages. They guilt-trip you on the narcissist's behalf. And the worst part? Most of them genuinely believe they're helping.
The Three Types
1. The Innocent Bystander This person has no idea they're being used. The narcissist fed them a sob story, and they genuinely think they're being a good friend by checking on you. They don't know the full picture.
How to handle: One calm, honest conversation might be enough. "I appreciate your concern, but I need you to hear my side before you play messenger."
2. The Enabler This person knows the narcissist isn't perfect, but they've decided it's easier to keep the peace than to stand up. They'll minimize your experience with lines like "every relationship has problems" or "you need to be the bigger person."
How to handle: Set a boundary once. If they can't respect it, they've chosen their side.
3. The Co-Narcissist This person is cut from the same cloth. They enjoy the drama. They actively participate in the smear campaign. They're not confused — they're complicit.
How to handle: Block. Delete. Move on. No explanation needed.
The Hardest Part
The hardest part about flying monkeys isn't the narcissist sending them. It's realizing that some people you trusted are willing to be used as weapons against you.
It's a second betrayal. And it's valid to grieve that.
Your Script
Next time a flying monkey shows up, try this:
"I understand you care, but I've made my decision about this relationship for my own safety. I'm not going to discuss it. If you can't respect that boundary, we'll need to take a break from this conversation."
Firm. Clear. No room for negotiation.
Because your healing is not up for committee vote. You don't owe anyone an explanation for protecting yourself. Not the narcissist. Not their flying monkeys. Not anybody.